A small self indulgent post regarding the desire to do whats best…
Perhaps due to my being the oldest of my siblings, or perhaps due to my own empathetic nature, over the coarse of my life (so far) I have (much more often then not) made the choices that I thought best for all effected, (even at my own expense) rather than just myself… Believing that a greater benefit would inevitably result.
Perhaps it was due to the fact that I have always been the one fixing others problems, or doing my best to fix them, that made me realize that preemptively reducing the needs of others, closest to me, rather than just my own, reduced my own by extension.
Perhaps I am more of a martyr than I allow myself to accept. Defining my self-worth by the difference I think I make in others lives, rather than just my own.
Perhaps I am simply more scared of the unknown than I accept, and that is more the reason why I focus so much on creating an environment of safety around myself (and by extension those close to me)… To better see what is coming.
Or, perhaps I am not as smart as I pretend to myself.
But no matter what I do, or how hard I try, it almost always ends for others the way I would have expected it to end, if I had never acted in anyone’s interests but my own.
Sure, sometimes those I help have been thankful. Sure, sometimes I have seen my actions bloom into a better result for them than expected. But when I add it all up in the end, and take stock of what actually happened, its as if all the extra time and energy I spent on issues other than my own, were for naught. In other words, it seems that the result is imperceptibly different (as in not at all) for them, in spite of my efforts, rather than due to my efforts.
Where as I am left with considerably less having done so… Sometimes, painfully less.
I suppose that is a long way of saying, that I am beginning to understand that no matter how much I think I am helping others by splitting my efforts amongst the many, in the hopes that everyone benefits, the end result is actually a watering down of possible results, to the point of near meaninglessness. While had I put 100% of my effort to my own needs, I may then have been better able to focus on theirs afterwards.
Of course, the problem then becomes, figuring out a way to make sure they understand this too…